A Long Merciless Journey
by HeartElyse
Summary: Sometimes it's not the best idea to push your body past it's limits, as Anakin discovers.


**A** **Long Merciless Journey**

Anakin stood in the the field of destruction, surrounded by mangled machinery and wounded men, his legs trembling violently, as if planning to slip from underneath him at any moment. The icy vapour that coated the barren landscape of Vanqor seemed to be seeping through his now loose robes that had once fitted perfectly over his nimble form, making him long more than anything to curl up in a ball somewhere warm and safe so he didn't have to keep his eyes open for another second, so he didn't have to think of the days that had passed so hopelessly, full of guilt, hunger and exhaustion. Yet with the hours that lay ahead, he knew he'd have no time to even lay his aching head down. All he could do was hope that he could last for just a little longer.

Anakin had never felt as unsteady as he did at that moment. For several days, the battle of Vanqor had been raging on and Anakin had been forced to fight day and night alongside his men, feeling his hopes slipping away more and more as the mindless machines continued to march relentlessly over the rocky formations of the valley, his troops falling unceasingly at their feet. And even though the clone army had claimed victory, it felt to Anakin as though no one had won, the price they'd payed higher than what they had gained. And the worst part of it was knowing that it was all his fault.

No matter how many time Rex had tried to convince him that it wasn't, Anakin couldn't seem to free himself from the guilt that gnawed at his insides. He'd always been able to rely on his own quick wittedness to get him and his troops out of a tight situation. He'd always had a plan, a strategy, a tactic that lowered the number of casualties considerably. However, this time the Separatists had the upper hand on the battlefield and when the time came for the brilliant strategy to reveal itself, Anakin realised with cold ice sliding into his stomach that the only way they stood a chance was to order his men to charge into the brunt of gunfire. He knew deep down that there had been no other way to win the battle, yet that didn't stop the inner feeling of disgust he felt towards himself. It was the reason why he was still standing there on the conflict scarred land, swaying feebly in the bone chilling breeze, not sure if he was quite ready to face his men, his fearless soldiers who had relied on him to protect as many of their brothers as he could.

He'd failed them all, and the reality of that seemed to be the thing that wore him down the most. He had nothing stable to hold onto, nothing to prevent him from crashing to his knees. He was used to feeling wary, yet the wrongness he sensed deep within the Force made his exhaustion and uneasiness only seem worse. He hadn't slept in days. Neither had he eaten. And with his Padawan, Ahsoka safe in Coruscant due to being excused from this mission, he had no one left to help him.

"General Skywalker?" spoke a unusually nervous voice behind him, knocking Anakin so harshly out of his thoughts that he almost leaped out of his skin, whipping around sharply, a sensation of hysteria growing inside him which he could only assume was from the continual instability in the Force.

There, standing stiffly behind him was Rex himself, his eyes and face completely covered behind his visor, his armour clotted with grey dust. Anakin knew he should have sensed the Captains presence, yet the Force in a way, if it was even possible, seemed ill, causing Anakin's stomach to feel kind of funny - and not in a good way either.

"What's the report, Captain?" Anakin asked with a voice completely deprived of emotion.

"We've been given our orders, Sir. The Admiral has asked us to return to the Resolute for our voyage back to Coruscant."

Anakin was only given a second of relief before dread consumed him once more. He knew that with the duties desperately requiring his attention, he wasn't going to even have a second to sit down, let alone lie down. He felt as though a large block of ice had slid down his throat and into his stomach.

"Thank you, Rex. Round up your troops and get some rest."

XXX

Anakin wished time would pass faster, yet it seemed to be refusing to quicken it's pace. He'd spent most of the voyage leaning woozily over Casualty Reports, his fingers clinging so desperately to the edge of the table that his knuckles had turned completely white. The words had stopped making sense within the first hour, hazing together to become blurred patterns across the screen. He was reeling just standing on his feet, the effort just to remain up right enough to cause his aching limbs to quiver all the more savagely.

After what felt like an eternity of reading report after report, the nauseousness and disorientation became all too much, the sickening waves raging through him causing his knees to almost buckle underneath him, his last grip on sanity seeming to be slipping like liquid through his fingers. He stumbled out of the gloomy room and wandered the deserted hallways aimlessly, trying to keep himself from tripping over his own feet. A soft voice seemed to be vibrating throughout the chambers of his mind, similar to the delicate tonality of Padma - God, how he needed her right now - whispering gently into his ear, "Rest Ani... There's no need to put yourself through this... Just rest..."

His own voice answered in return, surprisingly weak and shaky within his mind. "No! There is a need to put myself through this! It's all my fault that so many of my men died!"

He eventually came to a halt in a long corridor, it's appearance identical to the ones before it. Anakin was so thrown by the voices and his directionless wandering that he felt as though he might begin crying at any moment. With the world shifting hazardously under his feet, he staggered back into the wall and sank to the floor, placing his splitting skull between his knees and allowing his heavy eyelids to drift shut, wishing that everything would stop spinning. He wondered feverishly if finally eating would actually make him feel better, yet the thought of it only seemed to make his stomach squirm worse. All he wanted was a blanket he could hide underneath and a pillow he could rest his head on.

Maybe it wasn't only the Force that seemed sick.

XXX

It was when he stepped off the Resolute that he finally broke. The platform seemed to be tilting dangerously beneath his feet and under the watchful gaze of his Padawan and the three Jedi Masters awaiting his arrival, it was all he could do not to fall over then and there. Yet as he stumbled, his hopes to remain standing were becoming more of a distant dream.

The faces of his superiors seemed to become disfigured as his vision clouded, the world around him instantly becoming silent. He tried to force his feet to keep moving in a straight line, yet it was unpreventable what was going to happen next. He had no choice but to give in to the weakness that had been clawing at him for so long.

With one harsh shift of the ground beneath him, he fell, reeling to his knees, the sight of the depleted clone army and the Coruscant light gluing itself to his mind before his eyes rolled back into darkness, unconscious before his body even collided with the platform.

XXX

"Anakin... Anakin?"

"Master? Master...please wake up..."

"What was he like on the trip home?"

"...I don't know, Sir...rarely crossed paths...thought he was just resting...like we all were..."

"...sounds like he was hiding to me..."

"...has to have a reason for this...does what must be done..."

The voices of Obi-wan Kenobi, Ahsoka Tano and Captain Rex spoke through the din, harsh within his splitting skull as Anakin struggled to make sense of their meaning. He'd become so used to the silence of unconsciousness and the quietness of the room that the unwelcome sounds seemed to irritate him. He could feel the illness of the Force dense in the air, which sent prickles of uneasiness through his aching body as he lay curled up underneath something that felt like a blanket, finding himself melted into the comfort of the mattress beneath him. He tried to speak, yet his mouth felt as though it was full of cotton, a low moan escaping his lips instead.

With an effort, he forced his almost unyielding eyelids open, gazing around blearily, the faint light of the teal hall gentle on his burning irises. When his eyes focused on the figures sitting by his side, he squeezed his eyes shut again, searching feebly within his mind for a good enough excuse to remain where he was, warm and comfortable resting his tired limbs. He didn't think he could handle returning to the battlefield, not yet.

"Anakin?"

He jumped a little, his eyes flying open, the shock causing his head to swim for a moment as he tried to understand what was going on. He squinted at the figures hovering over him, blinking feverishly until finally, the faces of Obi-wan, Ahsoka and Rex came into view.

Anakin attempted to smile, yet his efforts were pointless. "...morning..." his voice sounded slurred as he struggled still to form words.

Ahsoka chuckled a little. "It's midnight, Master."

"Oh..."

Obi-wan leaned forward. "How are you feeling?"

Anakin tried to ignore the pain raging all over."...'m fine..."

Obi-wan grinned slightly, yet his grey eyes flashed with concern. "Anakin, you can't fool us. If passing out cold on the platform isn't a good enough sign, than having you checked over by Master Che is, and believe me when I say this, the outcome is not good."

Anakin was thrown off guard by that. "Really?"

Obi-wan sighed, huffing with slight irritation. "Anakin, She diagnosed you with Chronic Exhaustion. She's requested you stay in bed and rest it off for the next few days."

Anakin felt disorientation creeping in once more. He'd been wishing someone would say that, however now that someone had, the words left him confused, as if not filtering into his mind the way that made sense. "But...Master..."

"Anakin," Obi-wan spoke sharply, "I'm saying that if you don't rest and eat something, you may not live to fight another day. You must understand how important it is to recover."

He gaped at his former master, his mind still foggy, unable to understand. "...but...Obi-wan...my men..."

"Don't worry about us, General," Rex informed him reassuringly. "We can handle ourselves."

Obi-wan placed a soothing hand on Anakin's shoulder, his tone much calmer and comforting when he exclaimed softly, "I know you're possibly too exhausted to understand what we're saying, but this time you pushed yourself too far. We understand the importance of your responsibilities, yet you should never work yourself to the point of collapse. You're on medical leave for the next few weeks. You don't need to worry about anything except recovery."

Anakin's mouth was still slightly ajar, too astonished to react. He was free, completely and utterly free with no duties or responsibilities to attend to. He had nothing to worry about.

He gave a faint nod, allowing his drooping eyes to fall shut again, feeling more at peace with the world than he had in a long time...

 **Authors Notes: Hi Everyone! Thank you for reading my first story on FanFiction! I really wanted to capture Anakin's vulnerability, which hopefully I did. I would appreciate any reviews you might have, as long as they are not hateful.**

 **I hope you enjoyed it!**

 **HeartElyse**


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